Category Archives: Uncategorized

My Life

Okay, so.. I read a couple of my last posts, and they are downers. I started this blog to be funny, but here’s the thing. My 68 year old husband has early on-set Alzheimer’s, and my life is no longer funny.  I have lost my therapist, my friends are tired of me, and, you know what? I need an outlet. I have exactly three people that follow this blog, so here’s the thing.  Read this – don’t. Whatever.  I really don’t care.  I Have to have somewhere, someway, to vent. I don’t care if Anyone sees this. I am just putting it out there.

Apparently, going forward, my days, if today was an example,  will consist of Doug napping for two hours, and then, still, going to bed – for the night – at 7:00.

You know, that’s okay.  He needs his rest. And he takes sleeping pills, but, still…. I miss him.  I miss the companionship, the conversation, the Presence, of my husband, my best friend, my Guy!

So, I am going to quit my full-time job in December, to stay home with Doug, full time. I have worked, everyday, of my life, since I was18 years old. This will be a Major challenge.

So, this is my life – going forward.  And I am Not ungrateful. It is Not cancer. It is Not heart problems. It is Not stroke.  I get it!  God knows – it could be worse, and much more immediate.  But, the truth is – it is slow and agonizing, and very isolating.  But, I will find my way, somehow- to make our life as good as it can be, for as long as it can be, for my guy.

Stayed tuned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pity Party

So, I’ve started seeing a therapist. My good, sweet, loyal friend, Judy, did extensive research to find someone whom I would be very comfortable with. And she did an excellent job. Amanda is a very empathic, caring girl (she’s half my age). Seems to know her stuff. Although, I don’t know what her stuff is, exactly. I’m not sure what our purpose is. I basically, wanted a safe place to go to just talk, about me. Maybe to vent, or muse, or cry, or whatever the day called for.  At first, I thought that was the agenda. I’m sure that Amanda is highly qualified (Judy would never accept less, on my behalf), and I know her patients (clients?) vary in ages and problems. First visit, she asked me what I wanted from our sessions. Since then, we seem to meander. Which is fine. I think. I, personally, don’t have an agenda. My “problems”, are ongoing, with no solution. I assume the only thing she might want to work on with me, is how I respond to my ongoing problems. At any rate, today, she asked me several “leading” questions – such as, what am I afraid of?  What are my options? Etc. During some of the questioning, as I’m trying to articulate my answers, I began to cry. I won’t lie. It’s been a rough week. She let me cry for a while and then she said, “I’m going to let you feel sorry for yourself, today. But we are not going to do this again.” ?????  What?  Okay.  Where else do I get to feel free enough to cry – if not here? I can’t cry at home, or work or in my car. I am Never alone. What is the alternative, exactly?  There are no solutions, so….?    I don’t know. I see her every Tuesday, so it will be interesting to see what next week brings.  But, apparently, there’s no crying in therapy!   Who knew?       Stay tuned.

 

“Love You”.

What, exactly, does that mean? I am pondering this tonight, after seeing several family members today.  But, it also applies to friends. And family. And co-workers you are close to. I am wondering.  Anymore, this phrase seems to have taken on the off  handed “See ya”,  or “Call me”,  or “Catch ya later”, type of saying.  It’s easy, it’s quick, it’s convenient.  I am also guilty of saying this. But, what does it really mean?  Is it really a new age saying – in passing? You have an affection for, but not a closeness to someone? You care about this person, but, a quick hug, and this phrase, is the end of your responsibility ?

Now, understand, I am not talking girlfriend/boyfriend, married, Mother/daughter, or Father/ son kind of “Love you”.

I have always believed that if you said that word,  LOVE,  you had an obligation.  Otherwise, why bother?  Your obligation,  was to be a physical, but more importantly, an Emotional presence in that person’s life. Maybe, it’s just me.

I know – the world, and customs, and sayings, are changing.           I get it.  I just wish people would put more thought into the words they say.

LOVE YOU!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me, Alone

I am reader. I am a writer. I am a talker. I am a complex, emotional person. Luckily for me, early in my life, I found someone who not only loved that about me, but encouraged all these traits. Now, my rock, my anchor, the one person on this earth that thinks I hung the moon, is slipping away.

I am trying so hard, not to be bitter. I pray, daily. I am strong for him. I am patient and calm and cheerful. I am faking it like a boss!  But, mostly, I am feeling sorry for myself. There. I’ve said it. I am still Me. Even though He is not Him. I still have all these emotions, thoughts, questions, that have no where to go.

And yes, I have friends, thank God! I am blessed with a handful of close friends who are “there” for me. I am so grateful for their prayers and concern. I have had 2-3 friends to come forward, recently, to tell me that I can call them, anytime. Unfortunately, my needs are greater than anything they understand. So, when they ask –  if they ask – I tell them, I’m ok. Because, here’s the deal.  I have no trouble getting 20-30 people to “like” something that I post on Facebook, but I can’t get 2-3 people to answer their damn phones when I need to talk!

I know. I get it. They are busy. Got it. I know that. But please, stop telling me you will be “there” for me. I am too time -consuming, too needy, just a big hot mess!

So, what to do?   I drink.  I stuff all the emotions, feelings, questions down so far, I am numb. How long will this work? Who knows?  What I do know is – I am alone. Here’s the problem. I have no f*cking clue how to Be alone. So, to not bother people with my stuff, I am just coasting. Cruising. Whatever. I will take care of Him. Always. Everyday. Until the very end.

But, Me?   Who,  the Hell,  will ever take care of Me?

Stay tuned.

 

 

Disappearing

i woke up this morning at 5:30,  crying.  I am not a cryer.  I never have been. Crying solves Nothing! Crying is Not a Release. Crying gives you a huge headache, runny nose, and Absolutely Nothing Changes! But, this morning…I cried. I cried because I am so damn Tired! I cried because I am alone. I cried because I am losing my Love, my Best Friend, my Soulmate, my Everything. My Self. As he disappears, so do I.

All I have ever been, was a Reflection in his eye. I was never anything. I was nothing very special. Until he found me. He made me who I am. He believed that I was Special. He believed that I could be a wonderful wife and mother, when I had huge doubts. And he made Me believe it! Every day of our life, he has made me feel like the most special, the most important person on this Earth. He has been my Hero since I was 17 years old.

I am losing him. A little, everyday. As he goes, so do I. Because what am I – if not his wife? The one person, on this earth who has supported me, loved me, held me, trusted me, catered to me, celebrated me, is Leaving me. It’s not his fault. It’s not fair. It’s not his choice – and it’s not mine. But there it is. My friend said, he is becoming your child, instead of your spouse. Dear Jesus! I don’t want This! I can’t do This!

On Thursday, I had to have a very serious conversation with him. I was anxious, all day, about how I would approach things. How the way I verbalized myself would affect him. I was very low key, took my time, explained things in very simple terms. Doug, of a year ago, would have had many questions, and more than one argument on the subject. However, at the end of my conversation, he looked at me and said, “Are you going to be with me?” To which, I said, “Honey, of course, I’ll  always be with you!”  Again, he looked at me, with the expression of a ten year old on his face and said, “Okay, let’s do it!” And gave me this huge smile.

And that’s when it clicked for me. That was the moment my heart finally understood what my brain had known for almost a year. And, in that moment, I felt my heart shatter – into One Mllion Pieces.

Stay tuned.  We’ve just started.

 

God Bless Me!

God bless me, this is so hard! I am so tired! I keep telling myself, this part (the meetings, the phone calls) will settle into place. It will take a couple of months yet, but that’s how I get through this. Oh, and God. I can only imagine His side of things. “What? You haven’t talked to Me, for any quality time for months. NOW you are calling My name and having conversations with Me, two to three times a Day? Okay, My child. What can I do?”

A typical day for me starts at 4:00. I get to work at 7:00. My work day is 7:30 to 4:30 weekdays. My days include my work work, at least two (and will vary – yesterday was six) phone calls concerning Doug, and 3 times a week, I have lunch time meetings. I have taken various “vacation” days from work so I can schedule several meetings or appointments on one day. I try to write down thoughts, plans, etc. in my notebook before bedtime so it will be off my mind and I can sleep.

Through this experience, I’ve learned a lot of things. About people. I’ve had a bank president (whom I had never met prior to this) take my hand and ask how else he could help us. I’ve had close friends and some family members just disappear. I had an old friend that I haven’t “seen” since high school (but we are FB friends) come forward and say, “I know what you are going through. I am here for you”.

I have learned some things that have helped me, a lot.

1. Always ask for a supervisor. Do not waste your precious time on “underlings” that can’t help you.

2. Get/stay organized. Have several copies of the papers or forms that you need. Take them with you, always. I have copies at my desk at work, at home and in my car.

3. Work on your patience.  And your Road Rage. Pray for it!

4. Write it down. Everything! You can not / will not remember. Invest in cheap spiral notebooks. Put the Date at the top. Write down who you talked to. Trust me, you will need this.

5. Appreciate the moments. Sometimes, that’s all you get. I struggled with a really hard issue, but managed to resolve it, by myself! By the time I managed to pat myself on the back (Good job, Marty!) I was hit with two new problems!

6. Lie, if you have to. God won’t mind and it’s not one of the Big Ten anyway.

7. Be kind to yourself. Find little things that make you happy, everyday. A friend that calls, a funny story, a beautiful sunset.

“I don’t want to think about tomorrow. Lord knows, I have my hands full, just worrying’ about today.”*

*Larry Gatlin,  “I Don’t Wanta Cry.”

Stay Tuned.

The Plan

I married Doug when I was just barely 18 years old. I was native, scared, four months pregnant and clueless. All I knew was that I loved him. As the years went by, we struggled like other people. I was never one to think/ worry about the future. We were just trying to get by week to week. As Doug become more successful, I relaxed and just took what life handed me at the time. But for all our lives together, anytime I was worried or fearful about the future, Doug always said to me, “Don’t you worry, honey. I have a plan”. I trusted him completely. We made plans, we raised our children and we lived a (mostly) wonderful life.

One night, he and I were talking and he said to me, “You know all those times that I told that I had a plan?  Well, I lied!  I faked it for all those years!”

Well, now the tables have turned. I am the one who has to have a Plan. For probably the first time in my life, I am starting to understand some of what Doug went through for me and the kids. This is scary! Planning the future for three people (my handicapped sister lives with us) and two dogs is really hard. And lonely!  I, alone, have to make decisions and plans.

Plus, I’m under the gun, time wise. Certain things have to be put in place before Doug gets worse. Just one of the many problems with Dementia is that no one can give you a timeline. My sister and I talked about how long our Mother was alright – until she wasn’t. As memory serves, we think about 4 years. Doug is on medication to help slow his progression with this illness. Mother was not on any medication at that time. So I am very hopeful that he will be okay for quite a few years.

Nevertheless, I have to have a Plan in place. Even if I have to “fake” it!  I love you, my Dougie. ❤️ I will succeed.  Stay tuned.