Disappearing

i woke up this morning at 5:30,  crying.  I am not a cryer.  I never have been. Crying solves Nothing! Crying is Not a Release. Crying gives you a huge headache, runny nose, and Absolutely Nothing Changes! But, this morning…I cried. I cried because I am so damn Tired! I cried because I am alone. I cried because I am losing my Love, my Best Friend, my Soulmate, my Everything. My Self. As he disappears, so do I.

All I have ever been, was a Reflection in his eye. I was never anything. I was nothing very special. Until he found me. He made me who I am. He believed that I was Special. He believed that I could be a wonderful wife and mother, when I had huge doubts. And he made Me believe it! Every day of our life, he has made me feel like the most special, the most important person on this Earth. He has been my Hero since I was 17 years old.

I am losing him. A little, everyday. As he goes, so do I. Because what am I – if not his wife? The one person, on this earth who has supported me, loved me, held me, trusted me, catered to me, celebrated me, is Leaving me. It’s not his fault. It’s not fair. It’s not his choice – and it’s not mine. But there it is. My friend said, he is becoming your child, instead of your spouse. Dear Jesus! I don’t want This! I can’t do This!

On Thursday, I had to have a very serious conversation with him. I was anxious, all day, about how I would approach things. How the way I verbalized myself would affect him. I was very low key, took my time, explained things in very simple terms. Doug, of a year ago, would have had many questions, and more than one argument on the subject. However, at the end of my conversation, he looked at me and said, “Are you going to be with me?” To which, I said, “Honey, of course, I’ll  always be with you!”  Again, he looked at me, with the expression of a ten year old on his face and said, “Okay, let’s do it!” And gave me this huge smile.

And that’s when it clicked for me. That was the moment my heart finally understood what my brain had known for almost a year. And, in that moment, I felt my heart shatter – into One Mllion Pieces.

Stay tuned.  We’ve just started.

 

7 thoughts on “Disappearing”

  1. Marty, your not alone! Stay strong, we may not talk some days at work but sometimes it just hectic. Well you know! I’m always here and will try and do anything, all you have to do is ask. And I also know how hard it is to ask for help sometimes but please ask if you need anything!

  2. Absolutely the saddest most beautifully moving writing that I have ever read. Love you, my dear, dear friend.

    Sent from my iPad Judy Whitson

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